The Feelings Wheel: Three reasons counsellors love it

While working in daycare, we had a four year old who was yelling, hitting, taking other kids’ toys, and overall not responding to our redirection and reminder’s to be kind. Eventually, I guided them to the hallway (literally kicking and screaming). Once seated, he began loudly crying which confused me as I expected him to be angry so I asked him, “Why are you crying?” And with his eyes closed, tears streaming down his face, his cheeks red, he yelled out “I DON’T KNOW!!!!!”

 Can’t we all relate? We know we aren’t okay. We can feel it in our bodies (sick to the stomach, tensed up muscles, frazzled). Our bodies respond by crying, yelling, shutting down, avoiding eye contact, criticizing others. But we don’t know why. This unidentified yet intense feeling is so real but we can’t explain it.

When our experiences start feeling overwhelming, confusing, or at times even ‘wrong’ , after taking some deep breaths, one of the first things we can do is: identify the emotion.

However, identifying emotions is easier said than done when:

• we simply don’t have the word to describe what we are feeling

• we have the word but our brains have been hijacked by strong intense fight/flight/freeze responses and we can’t access the word when we need it

• there’s a deeper (secondary or tertiary) emotion we aren’t aware of that fits better

 So, here are five reasons your counsellor probably loves the visual tool of the Feelings Wheel in counselling sessions (originally developed by Dr Gloria Willcox). The wheel lists the core primary emotions (sad, mad, joy, surprise, disgust, fear) and then secondary and tertiary emotion words varying in intensity and meaning.

Reason #1: Identifies the Emotion

If you grew up in a home that didn’t talk about emotions, or emotions were viewed as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, then you may not have the emotion vocabulary to describe inner experiences. I often hear clients saying they don’t know what they felt but when shown the Feelings Wheel, a number of emotions stand out to them. Dr Dan Siegel has a phrase “Name it to tame it”. If we can’t name the emotion we’re feeling, then we are less likely to know how to tame (or regulate through and respond to) the sensations and experience in an effective and meaningful way. The Feelings Wheel helps us visually understand how emotions are connected and complex while engaging our sight and touch, making emotions feel externalized rather than scary unknown feelings inside us.

Reason #2: Increases Self-Validation

It's often easy to name basic emotions, like feeling really angry. But sometimes, others or even ourselves dismiss that feeling by saying things like "You shouldn't be mad about this" or "Why am I like this?" You feel angry, but it doesn't make sense or might even feel wrong. Using the Feelings Wheel may help you realize that your core emotion is 'anger', but 'betrayed' or 'embarrassed' describes your experience better and is a normal response! Exploring emotions on the wheel helps our experience and reactions make more sense which ultimately reduces self invalidation. Instead of thinking of emotions as 'good' or 'bad', or 'right' or 'wrong', we can curiously and compassionately accept our experience once we've found the deeper emotion that fits best. Our valid emotions don't excuse treating others or ourselves poorly, but self-validation helps us understand that the emotion makes sense given the situation. Self-validation often provides us relief and compassion, so we can better respond to and manage the emotions rather than ignoring or judging ourselves for normal human emotions.

Reason #3: Improves Relationships

Increasing our emotional vocabulary helps us more effectively communicate with others on what we are experiencing and can help others better meet our needs. It also improves our chances of understanding others’ reactions and experiences with more empathy and clarity. We’ve all experienced the frustration when a loved one or friend responds with “I don’t know”, or “I’m fine” but their body language and tone say otherwise. Perhaps, our loved one is verbally or physically expressing anxiety but you don’t see any reason for them to be scared. By using the Feelings Wheel, they may pin point that the anxiety is coming from a place of feeling helpless and inadequate. Building shared emotional language with others can strengthen our connections and understanding which improves relationships.

Find a Feelings Wheel

• there are lots of free downloads on the internet. Check out: Calm App Feelings Wheel or Gottman’s Feelings Wheel

• print a copy for your fridge , bathroom mirror, or journal insert

• screen shot a copy on your phone for quick reference

  Seeking support in identifying and understanding emotions in your personal life or relationships?

  Reach out to a counsellor to learn more!